I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
zippers are such a cool invention
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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