i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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