Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
You need Xanax blowdarts
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
