i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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