He uses pillows to masturbate.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Yes... I'll kill two birds with one crazy ecstacy filled night.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Randomize
