Got a toothbrush?
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
