Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
