When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Randomize
