I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I AM VODKA MAN
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Randomize
