Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
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