if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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