Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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