It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
