ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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