my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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