Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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