That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
