were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
