Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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