So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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