She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Randomize
