Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
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