Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
