I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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