I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
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