Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
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