My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
