I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Randomize
