so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I walked outside and found some random guy passed out on our front porch. We managed to acquire the 12 pack of lagers he had so it's all good.
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
Randomize
