So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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