If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
And I wasn't prepared because its been a very long and lonely season and I wasn't expecting to find dick at Press Box trivia night....
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
