I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
Randomize
