i wish starbucks made bloody marys
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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