Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
