I think I am morally bankrupt
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
