I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
We are two peas in an std pod
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
