i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Randomize
