The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Randomize
