I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
Randomize
