I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
