hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
