3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Randomize
