When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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