You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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