Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
last night I used snow as a chaser
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
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