I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US
Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
