my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
