theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
