It's a beautiful day for a hangover
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
Randomize
