I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
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