for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Randomize
