I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
