when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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